8.1.10 - Szalinski/Revolution v. Brainwave/Morningside

[Madman Szalinski]

"Well...we're here."

"Yep."

"You know, this is only my second time here."

"First for me."

Ariel and I were holding our bags, me with my trusty videocamera at my eye. We were looking out, standing on some overcrowded sidewalk on an even more overcrowded street. We were standing in Shinjuku, one of the twenty-three special wards that make up the prefecture of Tokyo, Japan. According to Ariel's translation guide and map of the area, Nippon Budokan was in Chiyoda, the neighboring ward to the east. Since our hotel was a few blocks away, there was plenty of time for us to walk around. Since I haven't been here in eight years and Ariel hasn't ever been here, we were content to just hop on the subway once we got into the docks - yes, I was serious about not flying in - and just ride somewhere. Nah, actually, we got pulled off our boat and cussed out by EPW road agents for not flying with the rest of the boys. Then we got hooked up in a room, courtesy of our friends over at Nippon Pro. Tried to pay for it, but I wouldn't have any of it. I brought over a million dollars for this trip, and had it converted into yen. Almost eighty-seven million yen. So I plopped down the dough for Ariel and I's room, as an apology for disrespecting them by not flying in on their dime. I explained that I couldn't stand flying, that I had seen the Lynyrd Skynyrd Behind The Music and I was a Buddy Holly fan, and he simply bowed and quietly said "Waka rimashita.""I understand."I have got to learn this language. I'm going to give it my best shot for the next couple of weeks, it looks like.

"So...what do you want to do...?"

"I'm just amazed. Look at all of this...it's like, half the country is jailbait and the other half are evil scientists, just not so evil..."

"Yeah, I want to go and see the rest of Japan, too. The countryside has to be beautiful out here...and their television shows just give me the creeps, so I have to get out and do something."

"Oh, we will. I love this place."

"What the hell should we do, then?"

"Wait for someone to recognize us?"

"That'll take a while. You wear a mask, dipshit."

"You don't. Oh, you're not wearing a shirt that shows off your boobs, that's why nobody notices-"

Sorry about the sudden change of shot to the pavement, Ariel just backhanded me in the junk. A couple of Japanese teenagers got a laugh out of it.

"Itai!""Ouch!"

"Shiro-de kodomo tachino shounen!""No kids for you white boy!"

"Ouch...god...okay, okay. I'm good..."

I looked back up at the two kids walking off. I looked around some more, seeing what was around me. There's guys in pants so tight I can see their urethas, there's women my age that dress and look thirteen, and there's a few thirteen year old girls who dress and look like Ariel. Some people are in business gear, but some people think life is a fucking SquareEnix production and that somehow, dressing up like their favorite spellcaster in Final Fantasy VI will save them from the total apocalypse that is inevitable. Every day in Tokyo is an anime convention. There are kiosks in the sidewalk every few feet, it looks like. I can get a magazine, I can get a bottle of Yogurt Pepsi...which Ariel is doing right now...or I could get a...

"Kore-ha iku rade..suka?""How much for this?"

"Nihongo ha, TNA noyounayowaidesu. Two tsunoen ..""Your Japanese is weak like TNA. Two yen."

Ariel paid the man and walked back up to me with a small bottle of Pepsi White. I stood in front of a fountain and looked around, then at the camera.

"Can I get away with doing a promo?"

"Sure, it's just you and me, and about ten million Japanese people."

"Here, take this."

I held the camera straight up, into the sky and the sun. Hope you just went blind. If your retinas haven't recovered yet, you're looking right at me with a T-shirt tied around my face to resemble a ninja's headgear. But the Hollywod all black ninja garb is just nothing more than a stereotype. hopefully one that doesn't offend anybody. Now that the scene was on me, I began to speak.

"They call this place sacred, the land of the gods. You ever notice that wherever you go, the locals tell you that God chose their land? Here, though, you might start to believe it. I am standing in the middle of one of the most densely populated metropolitian areas in the world, yet in a half-hour train ride, I can be on the outskirts of the most beautiful countryside since we blew up the Wild West to make room for highways and Sturgis, South Dakota. This place has everything from the most simple of pleasures to the most intricate of pleasures, and this place does have pleasures..."

"Promo? I wanna get this done so we can go see that island where everybody goes to commit suicide."

"JULIUS MORNINGSIDE. I see I am not the only one who plays with fire. So you like to burn things, do you? You want people to believe you're truly demented to the point of which no man should step in your path? I'm stepping in your path, I'm not that big of a boulder but you'll still have to move me, my friend. And I don't go anywhere that I don't want to go. You wanna be fire? I've got some ice. I play Pokemon, I know your weakness. Double the damage, neutralize all attacks from Charmander, Charmeleon, AND Charizard. What you got now? No lighters, no gasoline, nothing but you and me. How long can you survive MY fire, my passion for what I do, before you bitch out and tag in your partner? How sick are ya? Are you going to just laugh when I lock you in the Deathtrap? Will you just look up at me and smile when I put you down with the Scoopstone? No, you'll go to sleep just like everyone else."

"And Brainwave, you are the same. You hide underneath a mask to draw questions, to make people insecure about you. If I cannot see your face, then I do not know what to expect, right? Google "Jeremy Cundiff" sometime. My face is not hidden. You know what's under this mask. I wear it because my face is not important, my heart is. Why do you hide your face? Why do you hide your heart? Are you trying to dodge the fact that you just don't believe in yourself the way I believe in myself? Two months ago, I was thought to be half-dead. In two weeks, I could very well be the EPW World Heavyweight Champion. That's how you handle adversity, sirs. I don't know what the hell happened in the past for you two men to become such benevolent forces, but I know what it feels like to be swallowed by evil. And as long as you two continue to choose the paths you have, I'm sorry to tell you, but your hearts will NEVER be as strong as mine. Ariel, turn the camera around."

"K..."

Ariel turned the camera to face her smile. I kissed her on the cheek, then turned the camera back around to face me.

"My heart is in the right place. I know why I am here, and it's not to scare kids or hope to get a cameo on some anime show. I'm here because I feel I have a business to protect...professional wrestling has no room for men like you, who disregard the rules not only of wrestling but the rules of society. I will not stoop to your levels...I won't have to. I feel as if I can handle the both of you by myself. So having an immortal god for a partner just ices this cake down perfect."

"Take this for a second."

Ariel handed the camera over to me. I took it, and pointed at her while she took a drink of the yogurt flavored Pepsi White...and immediately spewed it right back into the fountain behind me.

"JEEEEEEEEZZZZUZ! OH MY GOD! This shit tastes like milk that expired in 2005!"

"Let me try..."

"No! Don't do it, it's worse than The Cleveland Show!"

It was too late. I had picked up the bottle and downed a huge gulp to take into my mouth and sample. My stomach immeiately refused to allow a drop of this God-awful substance into my digestive system, so I followed suit and spit it all back out into the fountain.

"More like 2003. But that shit sucks. It's horrible. Hey, you want this soda?"

I handed the mostly-full bottle to a couple of guys who were walking past. One looked sort of excited as he saw us.

"Chotto, chotto! Watashi haanatawo shitte iru kun ga Madman Szalinski!""Hey! I know you! You're Madman Szalinski!"

"Kono gokuakuhidou na yuki no nomimono wo shomei suruka?" "Will you sign my abominable snow drink?"

I smiled as Ariel reached into her cleavage for a Sharpie, which she handed to me.

"God I love this job..."